Skin tight jeans made to look one size too small but actually hug you in all the right places?

$ 200

Silver backless halter top with low swooping front so that the ladies have plenty of breathing room and the men have plenty of seeing room?

$75  (on clearance from $125 at Nordstrom)

Red Velvet retro Cha Cha shoes

$ Free. You stole them from your abuelita’s closet.

Getting a 25 year old enchulado enough to whisper in your ear and ask you for your number… & your 35+

Priceless. Go on Mami. Get yours.