Bronze nails.
Bronze shoes.
Bronze purse.
Bronze eyeliner.
Bronze lips.
Bronzer on cheeks.
Happy Holidays Latina.
Ya. Pa que lo sepas.
“How do you tell a Latina you like her”- A muy macho search dilema
Que Dios me lo Bendiga
Hola my little dirty boys who are searching dirty Latina things on the internet. I see your searches on my blog tu sabes? With your “booty latina” and your “kardashian wedgie” y “latina boobs” that finds you here with me on my little page that I normally talk to my hermanas through but you have landed on it with your sucio searches. Yeah. I see you.
So. Even though this is normally for my Latina sistas… Imma do right by the dudes too. All dudes… I know our lovers come in all different shades and all different sizes because if there is ONE thing a Latina loves is her options.
So. You wanna know how to tell a Latina you like her? Bueno.
First- before ANYTHING- clean out your search folder on the computadora because one way to send a Latina running faster than spam fills your inbox, is a Latina who has dug her way into your porn bin online. She will look… eventually, but she will look. Erase,delete lo que sea but DO NOT let her find your youporn channel searches because ya tu sabes that it has one of those “recommended for you” buttons and she will see your curiosity searches y te digo that while opened minded…. Latinas don’t play.
Numero 2. Every man considering dating a Latina needs a good cologne. Not too much. My gay connection tells me you have to spritz out into the air and THEN walk into the spritz. Y mira que my gay smells good all the time so listen to his advice. Don’t get spritz trigger happy mijo because everything in moderation okay? She wants to smell you… not wear you. Thank you.
Numero 3. Be confident but not overwhelming. She ain’t steak, stop lookin’ at her like you’re gonna eat her okay? She’s a woman and even though she may have a “reputation” you better treat her like a lady or her girls will have your balls for dinner. I don’t wanna be dramatica but seriously.. they will eat your balls. Girls are tight.
Numero 4. Now that you being a FUNNY respectful dude and keeping that “feminine on the inside” energy in check (como dice la Patty on Bravo Millionaires) .. look at her and ask her if she’d like to get some coffee some time with you. Cuando she says “yes”, which she will, ask her for her number. Entonces when you take her out and pay for the ENTIRE date.. because you being real chivalrous about it …at the end of the date when she’s all impressed with your stuff and is saying goodbye… lean in and give her a little soft kiss on the lips …
and when you open your eyes tell her “I like you”. Just like that mijo. Don’t slip the tongue in.. no te pongas grocero. Just a simple kiss so she knows you think she’s a lady. And that will eventually allow you into the bed of the kind woman you are so feverishly searching online.
So you behave yourself and be polite and you’re half way there to the real thing. No te pongas nervous Pa. Ahora put your porn away and get real macho about it.
Ya. Pa que lo sepas.
Latinas and their Panties.
Mira.
Latinas have a thing with their panties…. they don’t like to talk about this “fetish” much because it lives deep down inside of our dark sexy hearts where Latinas dream of sex and war.
If Latinas could get all Mariah Carey on their bedroom dresser and have separate drawers made from oak and Marilyn Monroe’s tears for every kind of panty they got, they would do it and buy two of them. One dresser for the panties that say things like “Penis Aide” and another for the panties that are so sexy they don’t have to say nothin’ to no one but her mirror.
Latinas. Love. Pretty Panties.
Now- not EVERY Latina has a panty fetish. Some of you locas are wearing 2-year-old panties with holes pero that’s for another blog mijas.
Que Dios me la Bendiga
For now, we talking about you feisty Latinas that like your panties solely because YOU get to see YOURSELF in them and the sight of that feels more amazing than cuban bread with butter toasted, con una tasa de cafe con leche. You don’t waste those panties on the man at home. NO SENOR. For him you wear the cottons… con los huecos. No joda… he hasn’t showered in like 2 days okay…
Victoria has a secret and it’s not for men. The clue starts there.
Esos panties, with the lace and sexy things, is most often worn underneath something kind of conservative… for that business meeting you’re attending con ese pedaso de FINE ASS MAN who is coming in the office that day for a presentation. You know the one that leaves the scent of vacation in Aruba behind him when he passes your desk….ese sueno rico, ese.
I know what you’re thinking because I feel you Ma. You think I’m saying we all Lucy goosey frescas.
Well. I ain’t.
I’m saying we come in, very lady like, with our wedding rings y todo. I’m saying we wear these panties because it makes US feel good in an “extra” kind of way. I’m saying that we don’t step outside of the relationship with the man at home but you BETTA BELIEVE we’re forgetting to button a button and sitting in the front row of that presentation because sometimes getting the “look” is all some Latinas need to make them feel like a natural woman in an Aretha Franklin kind of way.
I meanseriously. Panties don’t hold a memory muchachas… memories are MADE with the right pair of panties.
Ya. Pa que los sepas.
Silence of the Latina
Que Dios me la Bendia
Every Latina comes from a planet a lot like Superman’s planet okay? When they’re born, they plop down into the earth’s atmosphere with this innate gift of “power silence”. “Power Silence” has been passed down in the DNA of every Latina ever born – EVER. Even if most of your family is white from Ireland, and there was only one Irish Grandpa that took a liking to some loca Latina that ended up en ese frio que mata… you got it handed down in your family also. It doesn’t manifest itself until puberty hits, but once it does- it is every super villain for himself.
A Latina woman, normally known for her laughter heard in different zip codes, friendly personality, and bochinchera charming conversation, turns into a powerhouse of indiscriminate brutal silence.
A silence “lock down”.
If you were on fire she would look at you waiting for an apology while she runs the faucet. You would not- COULD NOT penetrate the wall of nothing that a Latina puts up when someone has offended her…no one can help- not her loca friends at work… not her man who normally gets it right but instead got it very very wrong today… not her girl who looked the other way every time she was feeling loca about it at the club… no one. NOT ANYONE can break this barrier of silence, wrapped in void, sprinkled with “youdon’texistjustgetouttamyfacealready”.
A Latinas ability to do this is only getting stronger. We could actually consider using them as a barrier against enemy countries, or like to keep the Kardashians out of the news, or algo asi, like with a real cause. #Occupy your Mans Thoughts Until He Succumbs, or no se que.
You’ve been warned mi gente. I’ve given you the power of the ‘call out”. Use this knowledge at your own risk… or she gonna “fry your lamb Clarice”….
Ya. Pa que lo sepas.
Independent Latina…
Que Dios me la Bendiga.
Independent Latina does not give a f*****ck. She tells it like it is when she’s trying to be polite and how it ain’t when she don’t care who’s listening. She can. Because she’s earned it in a very “Mary Tyler Moore Show” kind of way…like…She’s gonna make it after all… and honestly.. it was the biggest hot mess any of us Locas had seen up close in years.
Independent Latina goes to the clubs and drops it like its hot, covered in chocolate with a cherry on top, because that’s where she gets her gym-on.
Independent Latina has some serious cleavage for looking, but not for touching ESPECIALLY if you just made her split the check after she got her wine and cheese platter-on during her match.com date, con el gringo with the job and steady paycheck phobia.
Independent Latina decides she wants to go into modeling, singing, accounting, child therapy, catering, because she loves the restaurant depot and wants a reason to purchase napkin rings in bulk.
Independent Latina sends money to her Mom and Sista.. la que tiene the problem husband and disrespectful kids. Esa.
Independent Latina knows EXACTLY how Stella got her groove back and runs classes on it every third Saturday of the month at CASA SALSA.
Independent Latina sends her college love a message on FB but, never invites him to be her friend… que se muera de celos. Pendejo.
(Independent Latina never asks him “how many women” because she knows better than to leave herself open to the same line of questioning)
Independent Latina said “grandeHOTskinnycaramelmacchiato- no whip” .. not “iced”. Now she’s late… again.
Independent Latina was stuck in the WORST traffic and you’ll NEVER believe who she saw walking on the sidewalk with esa otra loca- GURL!
Independent Latina is a little loud… especially on the phone in the subway….
and when she is- that bochinchera makes for a great blog post.
Thank you Independent Latina.
Ya. Pa que lo sepas.
LOCAS vs FACEBOOK round 1
LOCA vs FACEBOOK
Oyeme “Locura on Heels” with a status dysfunction-
WHO are you screaming at- WHAT are you talking about- WHEN did you flip your switch and HOW do you expect me to reach you if you’re not on FACEBOOK?!
CONYO QUE PASO?!!
Now I gotta go outta MY way to make sure I “text you in” to all of the conversations happening in the hottest circle of cyber jerks on Facebook? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DEAL WITH THIS SH*T IN PRIVATE?! Con un counselor mija! Salpica pa ya and get to propping those feet up and digging into the soul of the complex Latina because MIJA Facebook and US can’t take your mania.
Y tambien ANSWER US! When you post something asi bien DRAMATICO and we don’t understand the language of this certain drama can you ANSWER the string of questions underneath these posts that you’re creating?
“I’m so sick and tired of not being the person I thought I was when I was with you know who for all that time and he was doing that thing that basically messed up my whole being…. you can’t trust them… I was another person once- I don’t want to come back here”
ENTONCES WE ASK THINGS LIKE;
“Oyeme are you okay call me?!”
“Mama it gets better- are you okay? – what happened?”
“Ma- I just went by your house and peeked in your mail slot, everything is dark- ARE YOU OKAY??”
Y tu- quietly typing your nonsense from some Starbucks around the corner from fulano de tals? PARA de JODER! How are we supposed to tell you about impromptu Margarita Girls Friday Night Out? Or when we all put our money together to get our cards read with La Senora?! How will we live without you on EL FACEBOOK MIJA?!
Ponte fuerte. Leave the drama for your mama y re-open the page so we can bonchinchar mujer. You do that and you can be as craycray as you wanna be in person. We call it Evenstevens. Como dice la Sofia Vergara en ese cho con los gays that I love.
Ya. Pa que lo sepas.
LATINAS vs VERBAL FOREPLAY
Que Dios me la Bendiga
An open letter to my Latinas who like Verbal Foreplay:
Mamitas, we love that you’re exploring your emotional pathway through those words you flinging on that mic which feel like a booty bounce coming out of your mouth. Tambien, we love the urban-santera-chique look you’re owning, with the bedazzled ear lobes, and millions of bangle bracelets hanging from your arms, while you invoke your inner Maya Angelou-love goddess- princesa of the night.
We ESPECIALLY love that.
But to our eloquent mujeres out there:
PorFAVOR, don’t use the spoken word stage at the dive bar open mic night, for your loca fixation on the not so good looking guy, who’s only cute cuz his words sound like raindrops on your body, but he’s CLEARLY an ego maniac with a penchant for sociopathic behavior, and runs the open mic to get himself off. Not you or esa otra loca.. HIMSELF. Bo’kay? He’s not the one for you Ma. So while you’re sitting at home stalking him on Facebook, writing an “answer” to a poem HE’s written NOT FOR YOU….
BUeno.. you gotsta breathe that crazy OUT. DESPONGA! Ponte fuerte because he ain’t worth the poetry.
Now, he thinks YOU’RE cray-cray. And allll he talks about is how cray cray you are and how cray cray women are about HIM.
There’s goes any opportunity for the rest of us to teach ese pendejo a lesson. ..
You’ve ruined it for all of us.
Or is it that you like him strumming your pain with his fingers?
Ya. Pa que lo sepas
